People often ask me why I am serious, rude, grumpy or silent most of the times. I sit back and really wonder about this when someone close to me ask this. I scratch my head deep enough to show some wounds. I stress on my mind so hard that it rattles out the answer. "Its not what you want to be."
That's not the answer that i am looking for. But it doesnt stop me from wondering why am I still this way? why do I need to be this way? Why can't I be a jolly person that my father and brother are? Why do I hesitate to talk to people very freely? Why do I often end up being rude, grumpy or look to be angry? I am almost never that way with people I am really close to. Apart from one major fight, My best friend n I have never fought or argued over anything. But why cant I share the same rapport with others? Even though they are close to me? I scratch the wounds further that they show scars. Scars so deep that it horrifies me. The ones that are really very close to me know that it takes time for me to get friendly with people. But once that barrier is past, I get too emotionally attached to the person and no matter what, I trust them blindly. But still, why am I rude to them? Why am I serious with them? Why do I not talk so freely? People have said that my mere presence in a group makes it 'uncomfortable.' But what is it about me that makes them feel that?
One incident has given me an idea of what makes me who I am. One incident that typically should have had me throwing back an insulting comeback as I always do, but has got me thinking. Thinking why the person insulted me when all i was trying to do is be nice. Then it struck me! I am what I am only because when I try and be sweet to people, they insult me, hurt me or put me away. This is why I am rude to people. I am rude to them only because I expect them to insult me if I try and be sweet. I am serious and silent when in a group only to avoid being insulted. Taking that into light, I can think of so many times when I have been put down, insulted or put away from a group when all I was trying to do was to contribute to the topic of the group discussion. This has given birth to a fear inside me. Fear of being put down, that is what keeps me silent when I'm in a group.
People often ask me why I am serious, rude, grumpy or silent most of the times.Its not that I like being this way. Its just that when I try being nice to people, they insult me and put me away. I am what I am, not because of what I choose to be. But because of what Im scared to feel.
Cheers \m/ Freeek
That's not the answer that i am looking for. But it doesnt stop me from wondering why am I still this way? why do I need to be this way? Why can't I be a jolly person that my father and brother are? Why do I hesitate to talk to people very freely? Why do I often end up being rude, grumpy or look to be angry? I am almost never that way with people I am really close to. Apart from one major fight, My best friend n I have never fought or argued over anything. But why cant I share the same rapport with others? Even though they are close to me? I scratch the wounds further that they show scars. Scars so deep that it horrifies me. The ones that are really very close to me know that it takes time for me to get friendly with people. But once that barrier is past, I get too emotionally attached to the person and no matter what, I trust them blindly. But still, why am I rude to them? Why am I serious with them? Why do I not talk so freely? People have said that my mere presence in a group makes it 'uncomfortable.' But what is it about me that makes them feel that?
One incident has given me an idea of what makes me who I am. One incident that typically should have had me throwing back an insulting comeback as I always do, but has got me thinking. Thinking why the person insulted me when all i was trying to do is be nice. Then it struck me! I am what I am only because when I try and be sweet to people, they insult me, hurt me or put me away. This is why I am rude to people. I am rude to them only because I expect them to insult me if I try and be sweet. I am serious and silent when in a group only to avoid being insulted. Taking that into light, I can think of so many times when I have been put down, insulted or put away from a group when all I was trying to do was to contribute to the topic of the group discussion. This has given birth to a fear inside me. Fear of being put down, that is what keeps me silent when I'm in a group.
People often ask me why I am serious, rude, grumpy or silent most of the times.Its not that I like being this way. Its just that when I try being nice to people, they insult me and put me away. I am what I am, not because of what I choose to be. But because of what Im scared to feel.
Cheers \m/ Freeek
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